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Rupert X Ruport: 101 Dastardly Habits Of North American Motocross Racers (Cont'd) 10

51. Drinks  three (3) cans of Monster before race, twerks up and tweaks out over the finish line jump on lap two (2).

52. Goes to get bank loan to buy new $9300.85 2014 CRFKXFYZFRMZ 450, gets arm pump signing papers.

53. Leaves tags on new riding gear, to show off that she’s got the fresh attire.

54. Sends resume’, written in crayon, with horrific grammar and punctuation:”{>-^.1’; to thirty different companies, signs mega deal with Ocelot gear and Nike boots.

55. Sees pros hauling around gallon jugs of water, takes swig off two-liter Mountain Dew and curses their skills.

56. Pronounces his handlebars “Rent-Halls”, like he’s from Sweden. Dude, easy, you’re from Kentucky, settle down.

57. Saunters into athletic-shoe store at mall, asks dude in referee shirt, “Where the hell are the Nike boots, blue?”101 Dastardly Habits Of North American Motocrossers (cont’d)

58. Makes whole fam damily wear “Gungdam Family Racing #361” pit shirts. Yes, even Gramma, dammit.

59. Uses calibration calipers and slide rule to set sag, finishes 17th in C class, blames his suspension set-up.

60. Ancient dude grabs your two-smoke, mixed-gas-can and shakes it up for five minutes like he’s twerking. Old-schooler indeed.

61. Dad installs holeshot device on son’s XR50, calls Bones for suspension advice.

62. Mini-Mom demands refund because track is, “Too rough.”

63. Tells family he’s taking them all on relaxing summer vacation, delivers them to Loretta’s.

64. Buys mama a $30 necklace and complains about it, then buys junior a $4500 mini-bike and brags about it.

65. Paints his rims black with a spray-can from Rustoleum, hits a few spokes, too.

66. Writes down all bike maintenance regularly in log-book, yet forgets wife’s birthday. Ouch.

67. Forgets Junior’s helmet at race, wraps his head in bubble-wrap and duct-tape and sends him to the line. (Pro move)

68. Tries to park off by himself, wacky woman with yippity dog that yells at her kid pulls in on left, Mr. Tool- Borrower pulls up on right. Oy vey.

69. She yells at the track referee with a Bud Light twerking in her paws - and a Marlboro Lite dangling from her pouty lips.

70. THAT DUDE, that bitches about every track, everywhere, to anybody that will listen – and you ain’t got time to get your helmet on.

71. Gramps told you to buy good (expensive) tools – and you remember that every time you snap that 3/8” 17MM socket. (ya dumbass)

72. Gets stuck in the starting gate, blames hot chick with the two-minute board.

73. You fell in love with that chick that holds the two-minute board. In 30 seconds.

74. Pulls the holeshot, pulls off two turns later, turns on fuel petcock (hehe, you said “ petcock”) and rejoins the race. In next to last.

75. Your gramma asks if you’re having fun out there. “ Grams, I got run over in the first turn!”

76. Forgets his AMA and District card at every race, but his Starbucks coffee card is always on hand.

77. Eats healthy all week, then, post-race, swallows two whole belly- bombs at Chipotle.

78. Remounts the tire in record time, leaving out the tube and rimlock.

79. Stuffed his Pee-wee rider into gear-bag in back of truck, to get him in through the gate for free.

80. Yanks off seat, looks at air filter, looks around to see if anybody is watching, then says to himself- “Oh, that’s good, she’s not that dirty,” reinstalling seat…ahem…

81. Says he wants to be a pro one day, yet cries when he gets advanced to B class.

82. Sprays Armor-All all over the seat, right before mud moto…

83. Makes junior 50 rider practice on the big track, while 250s and 450s are out there, even though the kid can’t barely navigate the beginners track…

84. You tell people you’re not sure if you’re doing East Coast or West Coast, when, really, you’re just not sure what an East or West coast is…

85. You have a bunch of broken levers and, a bunch of levers that fit any bike - you don’t have.

86. If you won the Lottery, you’d hire a guy JUST to do air filters, you hate it that much. Perhaps you’d hire two people, maybe an old married couple, who the hell knows?

87. That space of time between outdoor motocross and Supercross starting infuriates you.

88. And you DESPISE people calling it “OUTDOORS MOTOCROSS,” because we have another name for INDOOR MOTOCROSS and “ Motocross” implies out-of-doors, in its descriptive title.

89. And don’t you dare throwing an EXTRA “ R” in the middle of MOTOCROSS, that really boils our Bel-Ray blood.

90. It’s not that you don’t want to do business with your local dealer, but they generally don’t have the parts you need and dude behind the counter is a common toolbag, with a warm rock for a brain.

91. You’re soooo sick of that dude that likes to pick apart your bike, pointing out everything that’s wrong… Dude, go away…

92. You consider stagger-starting Mini-Junior with 450 Pro, a less-than-ideal arrangement.

93. You just have to watch if someone is trying to ride up the ramp into pick-up truck.

94. You filled up the DVR with 100% moto shtuff and your wife can’t record her gardening show and well, that happens.

95. You tell everybody whenever you get a new bike, you take it all apart, grease everything and LocTite stuff. Yep, then you head down to the orphanage to give a gallon of blood to the poor.

96. You put headphones on your 7-year-old and make him listen to Metallica before the race.

97. You have trouble explaining to your family that you’re busy for the next eighty weekends.

98. The wife catches you using her favorite spatula to remove mud globs from under the frame…. Busted.

99. You take great pride in being kicked out of every go-cart track on the East Coast.

100. Inside of your helmet stinks like the puke of a Eurasian Field Yak (spotted), yet you’re too damn lazy to wash it.

101. Your wife wants to name the baby “ Annie”. You insist on “Anaheim III.”

•   Until next time, my Moto-Freaks !



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