Question For the Divorced Guys

IWreckALot
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IWreckALot 10/20/2015 7:22am
10/20/2015 7:22am
APLMAN99 wrote:
I think my post sounded a bit harsher than I meant it to, but it's obviously a lot more complex than anyone could really explain on...
I think my post sounded a bit harsher than I meant it to, but it's obviously a lot more complex than anyone could really explain on a forum like this.

We tend to look at the word "needy" as derogatory, and that isn't always the case. In this case, it merely sounds like he needs a higher level of attention than she seems to give. Her level may be simply her natural tendency, or it may be a sign that she has no interest in the relationship. Hopefully it's the former, but the overall issue is that his happiness is dependent on her giving him more attention, which is pretty much the definition of "needy". Chances are we've all been in relationships where we are the needy partner, and also in some where we've been the "withholder".

Usually it seems like the tables are turned, and most of the time it seems like the female is the needy one in the relationship, but this example shows that isn't the case. But the stereotype on this issue sure seems to back up my 50 years of anecdotal experiences.....

I remember once when my wife said something about me not surprising her with little things around the house and I nearly blurted out that she must have missed that I'd fixed the vacuum cleaner, bought her a new kitchen faucet and installed it, pruned her rose bushes for her, and changed the oil on her car. Thankfully I caught myself, and realized that the little things that I thought of as doing things to show her how much I appreciate her weren't the types of little things that she was talking about!

I think in most relationships this little picture sums up the usual levels of "needy" between the genders.



I am 100% guilty of the same thing in that picture with my wife. I'm particularly bad about talking in general. I have it figured out in my head why it is, but it doesn't make sense if I write it down. I'm sure guys in general want to work through their problems in their head, whereas girls want it to be a shared dialogue. . . I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired of feeling obligated to communicate at work, and I just want to be quiet and keep my thoughts to myself when I get home which is the opposite of how it probably should be.

I agree with you on all points.
P
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P 10/20/2015 1:48pm
10/20/2015 1:48pm
Stanford wrote:
So how did you know when it was time to pull the plug? We have been married for 15 yrs, together for 17 yrs and have...
So how did you know when it was time to pull the plug? We have been married for 15 yrs, together for 17 yrs and have an 11 yr old daughter. I'm so far down her priority list it isn't funny. I'm just tired of the feeling like I don't matter. She doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do and she doesn't put any effort into our marriage. For example, when she goes out of town for work, I will hide a letter in her suitcase - sometimes she will say something about it, sometimes she won't, but she would never do something like that for me. I regularly send her long texts telling her how I feel about her and how beautiful she is to me - sometimes she will respond with a quick "I love you too", but a lot of times she won't respond at all. If there is anything in our relationship that is emotional, it is instigated by me. For her to send me a message saying she loves me without being prompted is very rare. I try to feed her emotionally, but she does nothing in return, and I'm basically emotionally empty at this point. She just seems very disengaged and has been for years. We get along good for the most part. Am I just expecting too much? Before anyone says to try talking to her about it, I have in the past - pretty much everything is my fault - she is the type that won't take responsibility for anything. Sorry for rambling.....just needed to get it off my chest.
Before anyone says to try talking to her about it, I have in the past - pretty much everything is my fault - she is the type that won't take responsibility for anything.

That's your answer right there. Sounds like she probably is doing something. When she starts blaming you it makes it easier for her to convince herself that whatever she is doing it ok. Whatever you do get concrete proof before you talk to her about it and whatever you do try to control your emotions. People end up killing their mates everyday behind stuff like that.



P

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Rdubs19
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Rdubs19 10/24/2015 12:36am
10/24/2015 12:36am Edited Date/Time 10/24/2015 12:38am
I was in the same situation with a long term gf. She was very distant nearly all the time. Just wouldn't respond to anything, wouldn't communicate, always wound up and perpetually on the verge of blowing a fuse. I really couldnt figure out why she wanted to be together. Like fairly often she would initiate plans and intimacy and all that jazz, but eventually she just became so...........impossible. It's hard to explain, but the deal with your wife not ever reaching out to you to verbalize her feelings and attraction are exactly what I dealt with, plus this girl had the shortest fuse on earth, and was always looking for a reason to be offended, put off, whatever. Just extremely sensitive, no sense of humor whatsoever. Eventually it turned me into a huge pussy and I absolutely could not be my normal self around her, always on eggshells, which made things much worse at an incredibly fast rate. One day I just ended it, completely severed, which was surreal because I was seriously in love with this girl for over a year. And I don't throw around that term often at all. But when the writing on the wall is clear, you can pull the trigger and get out, because you realize there is really no plausible scenario where there is a positive outcome. I could've stuck it out, kept on keeping on but the only possibilities were : be totally miserable and on edge, watching everything I say forever, not having reciprocal communication, or until we end eventually anyway.
Getting out was the BEST thing I have ever done, period. I was extremely worried about being torn up over it for a long time, but in this case, I couldn't believe how incredible it felt after just a few weeks.
We weren't married and had no kids, so take my account with a grain or ten of salt. But the emotional characteristics from the woman are extremely similar in our cases, so I hope this offers you some assurance that the odds are very high that you will be much, much better off mentally if it ends. Life is just too short and too precious to let someone hold your emotions hostage like that, day in and day out. It really, really is. While you will be better off mentally/emotionally, the courts will probably whoop your ass left and right, so take that into account. Basically how much money are you willing to save with the condition you will be miserable and devalued daily. Get the best male advocate divorce attorney you can afford, should you decide to abandon ship.

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